Welcome 2013

So it's pretty obvious from my post record that I am not a very consistent blogger, but seeing as it's New Years Day I feel that a post is in order to welcome 2013 and take some time to reflect on 2012. I have to say, 2012 was a good year. Looking back I can see that I have a multitude of things to be thankful for, and I'm excited to move forward into the new year from where 2012 left off.

Some 2012 highlights for me: 
- Living on Kauai for 3 1/2 months studying the Word of God in the Spring Semester at KBC!
- Getting to visit Northern California with my best friend. I almost froze to death, but it was an adventure!
- Surviving another hot Arizona summer!
- Getting a job at the local newspaper, where I now work full-time doing merchandising/marketing! I absolutely love my job and the people I get to work with.
- Making it through another college semester and still managing to keep my 4.0. Praise God!
- Buying a '97 Ford Explorer. It's so nice being able to take myself (and others) places!
- Meeting new people, deepening existing friendships, and just enjoying the random moments of life!

Looking forward... 
So I've never really been a big New Years Resolution person, mostly because every year seems to always end up the same. It's always such a big hype at the beginning: People start out pumped up and with a list of goals, and at first things go great...but 12 months is a long time and motivation can sometimes have a shorter lifespan. Also life happens. But what the heck - it's still fun to make goals and have something to look forward to, so here's some of my hopes/goals for the new year!

In 2013 I am going to: 
- Read 50 books. Last year I barely got any good reading in, and I want this year to be better (I'd love to say 100 books, but I'll start with 50).
- Exercise 5 days a week. This can be going for a walk, weights, circuit training, or whatever. I just want to purposefully be logging in work-outs more consistently so I can become stronger and healthier.
- Set aside 50% of every paycheck for my future travel fund. I need to be proactive about saving, otherwise I will never get to go anywhere! Ireland is the next goal....shooting for a September trip!
- Learn how to play my little ukelele!

Home Again

So it's been about 3 months since coming home from the beautiful island of Kauai, and things have been going really well. For starters, my family moved! We needed to downsize because of money, so we're in a smaller house now but still in the same town and I love it. Even though my new room is smaller than my last, I've somehow managed to fit more into it, and it's become a nice little dwelling. My two bookshelves turned into four and I bought a loft-bed so that I could have more floor space, which is now occupied by a futon couch and a desk. This picture is before the desk and rug went in.

I've also returned to the community college that I got my AA at to take a few more courses while I'm home. The tentative plan is to go into nursing, so I'm taking classes like Sociology, Chemistry, and Biology right now...but I still haven't fully committed to go through a nursing program yet. Even though I feel like that would be a great profession to enter and know that the Lord could use me in so many different avenues if I were a nurse, I'm not going to rush into any big decisions. I still have it on my heart to finish Bible college, and don't know what to do. Right now I'm committed to home for this fall....but after that....so many possibilities await! So I'm basically praying and saving $$, because I have no idea where I'll be in 2013. I could be home, back in Kauai, or even heading to South Sudan! Wherever God opens the door I am going to go through it. But for now I am home, and it is sweet. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful, loving family. They are all so different but awesome in their own ways, and while I have the chance I want to cherish the time I do have with them. I also have a new job, working at the Newspaper in town. It's mainly office work and a little marketing, but it pays decent and the hours are good so that I can go to school and still enjoy life!

And God is good. In the dry desert land He is a stream of living water for my soul!

Be Still

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. 

Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change, He faithful will remain. 

As this semester winds down to a close, I can't even begin to describe all the things that are bombarding my mind and heart right now. I feel so blessed, overwhelmed, excited, joyful, scared, thankful...torn. Part of me is so glad to be going home to my family and friends, but the other part of me is sad and uncertain to be leaving this place and the people I have come to love here behind. This life has become so normal to me that I almost feel like I am starting all over going back home, and the changes that God has been bringing about in my own heart are still far from being complete! I don't feel quite ready for this season to end...but I know that it must. It is out of my control. 

Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake, to guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake; all now mysterious shall be bright at last. 

It was about two weeks ago, when I first realized that the time was really almost up, that i started to experience some anxiety and inner turmoil. I started to come up with a lot of "what if's" in my mind, and began to dwell on the uncertainties of the future, which is never a good thing to do! Questions, doubts, fears...I knew the enemy was planting these things in my mind but for some reason I didn't feel much up to challenging him. In fact, I didn't feel like doing much of anything. That's when this song came up. It was at church on a sunday morning, and as I read and heard the words...they just spoke straight to what I was going through, and the song has been ministering to me ever since. 

Be still, my soul: the waves and wind still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart, and all is darkened in the vale of tears

Then shalt thou know His love, His heart, who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears. 

Now, I'm not going to lie and say that I feel totally carefree and happy about the issues that are transpiring inside of me, but I can say that I am experiencing God's peace in this time, and I learning to trust Him more and more. I know that I can enter this next season confident that He will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of in my life. It's only when I waste my time worrying and trying to plan and work out everything myself that I get in a real mess. Whenever I just leave it to Him and trust in His provision, He leads me in the way I need to go, and He will never forget about me. 

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay, from His own fullness all He takes away. 

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on, when we shall be forever with the Lord. 

When disappointment, grief and fear are gone, sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. 

So...only nine days left here at CCBC. At least for this season. I sure do hope to come back to this place someday - the thought of leaving is proving very hard! Right now the plan is to go home for winter break, and then spend next semester in Kauai, where new adventures are sure to await! In fact, I don't even know why I am having these problems... I'm going to Hawaii in a couple months - I shouldn't be sad! But anyway, I am so grateful to have had this time here. God really confirmed that this is exactly where He wanted me to be, even though I was less than willing to come here at first. It's funny and amazing how God works things out! 

Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past; All safe and blessed we shall meet at last

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise; On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high

Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways, So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.

Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine, through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine. 

These are some of the truths that I have been meditating on lately, as I daily put my trust in Him: 

1. God will always provide

2. God will always remain faithful (even when I am unfaithful, or faithless) 

3. God will guide my future (He's guided my past!)

4. God is more than able to take care of any problem I am facing (Even the winds and waves still obey His voice!) 

5. Trials and pain are great opportunities to draw closer to God. It is through these times that I feel closest to Him, so I need to cherish and not shun them. 

"Unless the Lord had been my help, 

My soul would soon have settled in silence. 

If I say, “My foot slips,” 

Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up. 

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, 

Your comforts delight my soul."

- Psalm 94:17-19

But God...

Things don't always turn out the way you plan. When I woke up yesterday morning, I had a straight-forward schedule: eat breakfast, take a shuttle to the Atlanta Airport, and fly one-way to Los Angeles, where I would be picked up by my roommate to be brought back to the Bible college campus. Well....breakfast and the shuttle worked out as planned, but the flight was a different matter. Sometime between when I got my ticket and got to my gate, the gate for the flight changed, and I didn't hear about it so I missed my plane to California. When I checked to see when the next flight to CA was, it turned out that there were no more flights from GA to CA. The next soonest flight to LAX was through Milwaukee, which I'd have to go through Baltimore to get to. Sooooo.... I took the flight from Atlanta to Baltimore, then got on the flight from Baltimore to Milwaukee. And from Milwaukee I finally made it in to LAX.

So why am I writing all of this? I'm writing partially because I have some time to kill, but I'm also writing because I think there's a lesson to be learned here. At least for me. I was really angry and upset when I found out they had switched my gate and that I had missed my flight. I was so set in my plan for how the day was supposed to go, that when I was forced to deviate from that plan, I was really irritated and upset by it. All I could think about was how many extra hours I was going to have to spend in the airport, and all that I was going to be missing by getting back to campus a lot later than planned. I got my new plane tickets and started making calls to let my parents and others know what had happened, and started arranging for different transportation back to campus. Reluctantly, I adjusted to the new plan, but it was with some complaining and sighs. 

Well, I've had some time to contemplate the issue and I've come to realize that this whole scenario that I was in can really (unfortunately) relate to how many of us live the Christian Life. I don't want to sound like I'm pointing fingers so I'll just continue to use myself as the example, but I can see that sometimes I live out my relationship with God much how things turned out at the airport yesterday. Somehow or another I make a plan for how I think things should be going in life, and as long as everything is all set and going smoothly according to plan, I'm content and on good terms with God. However, if He decides that my plan isn't the best and starts to change things around, I start to question and complain and resist. I don't mean to react this way, because I love the Lord and I want to serve Him...but when I allow my flesh-nature to have even the smallest handhold...this is the inevitable result. 

"But God...it would just be so much quicker and easier to go about it this way..." 

"But God...if I do this, I'm going to miss out on such and such...."

"But God...But God...." You can fill in the rest; whatever applies to you in your life. But the point I'm trying to make is this, and I think God's word states it best: 

"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even though we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace and His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." (Ephesians 2:4-7)

"But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God." (1 Corinthians 2:10)

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring about as it is this day, to save many people alive." (Genesis 50:20)

It's easy to get comfortable in our faith and forget who God is and all that He has done on our behalf. Without even meaning to, it's easy to start thinking we deserve things, and when we don't get them, we complain and are not shy to show our disappointment. It's easy to think that we are running the show, and that we can keep what we like and toss out what we don't. But God doesn't work like that. When I chose to give myself to Him and accept His gift of life, I died to myself and the life I now live is only in Him. I'm entitled to nothing apart from what He chooses to give me, and I need to rejoice and sing instead of complain and sigh...because what I have in Him is AMAZING! Also, no one forced me to make this decision, I did it of my own free will. I am a servant by choice. Privileged to be so. 

He holds my very life in His mighty hand. Because of His great love, even though I was dead, I am now alive! Because He has given me His spirit, I can know His salvation and His Will. Because of what He allows (or disallows), I know that my good is always in His mind....whether or not I can see or understand what is going on in the present moment. All He asks is that I trust in Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. That I humble myself, so He can lift me up. That I lean on Him and not my own understanding. So if I'm going to say "But God" I don't want it to be in a complaining spirit. I want it to be in proclamation of His Goodness, His love, and His sovereign will over my life and all creation. Sure, there may be some delays or unexpected changes of course in this journey. There may be times when it would seem easier or better to do it a different way. But the plain truth is: God knows everything. So should I trust my future to my own finite understanding, or to the God of the universe whose understanding is both infinite and everlasting? I think the choice is obvious. But I also understand that saying something and doing something are two very different things. I'm learning this the hard way, but at least I'm learning. I can't lie and say that this is easy - God knows it is not - but I can honestly say that it's going to be worth it. Day by day, little by little, I'm learning to lay my own agenda at His feet and ask Him to help me walk in His. 

Beautiful Things

All this pain...I wonder if I’ll ever find my way....I wonder if my life could really change at all...

I know it's been a long time since I've written on here, and let me assure you, A LOT has happened in that time. This year has brought about so many challenges in my spiritual life, I don't even know where to begin. If I were to try to relay it all here, I don't think I could fit it in this post, so suffice to say that God has been doing some serious revamping in my heart. Starting with the Discipleship Training School program this Spring, then going through the EMT class this summer, and now finding myself attending Calvary Bible College this Fall - it's just been one crazy ride. 

All this earth....Could all that is lost ever be found....Could a garden come up from this ground at all....

Recently God has been revealing some issues in my heart that I hadn't realized were hindering me in my relationship with Him. I didn't see it happening, but over the last few years I've become extremely goal-driven and over-determined in my approach to life. True, I was leaning on God for a lot of things, but underneath it all was a drive to succeed and be accepted...no matter what it took. I was finding fulfillment in overcoming challenges, and without meaning to I started putting more weight on what I needed to accomplish in life than on what my Lord and Savior wanted to work in me. Or maybe it wasn't even that as much as it was that I was making a plan and asking God to bless it, instead of truly asking God what His plan was for my life (there is a huge difference). I think most of this was due to the increasing demands of my own desire to "make it" in Fire/EMS (a very competitive field to get into), and some of it was just my own natural inclination to be busy and always accomplishing something. Whatever it was, it brought me to a place that I had no business going as a child of God. Without realizing it, I made personal accomplishment (i.e. becoming a firefighter) an idol in my life. No, I didn't go outside and find a block of wood to carve in the image of a firetruck to bow down to, but when we let something consume our thought-life and start making it top priority, this is idolatry. Plain and simple idolatry. 

So why am I writing all of this? I'm writing this because I feel the need to point out that it's entirely possible to be in love with the Lord and think you're seeking Him, yet be totally blind to an area of sin in your life. It's possible to pray daily, read His Word, and still hold something back...even without meaning to! Up until about two weeks ago, I didn't realize that this was a problem in my life. I thought I had given it all up to God and surrendered my desires to Him...but in my heart I've still been back on that truck, lights and sirens flashing...I've still been pushing myself, searching for fulfillment in personal strength... 

You make beautiful things....You make beautiful things out of the dust....You make beautiful things....You make beautiful things out of us....

The wall finally came down this last week. Through a series of instances, seemingly coincidental (but I know that with God, nothing is coincidental)... in my classes, chuck tracks, sunday night chapels, a simple morning jog....God finally broke through. I don't know how I suppressed Him for so long on this issue, but finally He forced the wall down and I just had to be real with Him. I was finally able to confess that I have been selfish in my pursuits. Even while I have genuinely wanted His best for me, I wasn't entirely willing to give up what I thought was best. And I'm not going to say I'm completely past it, either. I'm still struggling, but through it all I know that in Christ I have victory, and even if everything around me falls apart...He is my Rock. My Salvation. My Everlasting Hope. In Him and through Him I have life eternal, and that's better than any temporal thing here on earth. 

All around....Hope is springing up from this old ground....Out of chaos life is being found in You....

It's not to say that I won't continue in EMS someday. I might. It's not to say that I won't set goals to accomplish in the future. It's very possible that I will. But may those things never again take the place of my blessed Savior. I am learning what it means to truly love Him more and more every day, to make Him my first priority from the moment I wake to the moment I lay down to sleep. It is taking sacrifice, but for the One who gave everything for me...how can I not do the same? 

It's proving painful, but for the One who endured insurmountable pain, what is my present suffering compared to His? 

It's destroying my pride, but for One who humbled Himself enough to become a mere man and take on the sins of the world...my sin...how can I not fall face down and worship Him with my life? 

You make beautiful things....You make beautiful things out of the dust....You make beautiful things....You make beautiful things out of us....

Pray for me if you think of me. I need it. I'm learning that when I pray for God to do a work in my life, He will do just that. It may not be what I was expecting, but He is working. It may not be what I "want," but He is teaching me to let go of my desires and to cling to His. I am....so thankful for His patience. His mercy. His grace. That He even considers me....it blows my mind. God forgive me. I am Yours and only Yours. 

You make me new, You are making me new....You make me new, You are making me new....

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; 

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me, 

and lead me in the way everlasting." 

-Psalm 139:23-24

(Lyrics by Gungor from song "Beautiful Things")